“Each of these lives is the right one! Every path is the right path. Everything could have been anything else and it would have just as much meaning.”
Mr. Nobody (2009) dir. Jaco Van Dormael
Never underestimate the therapeutic qualities of eating mushrooms and watching an incredible lunar eclipse, followed by sitting in a bubble bath smoking a joint and blissing out listening to STS9 and The String Cheese Incident. Last night I feel like I remembered how to be truly happy again after a long period of confusion, stress, anxiety and uncertainty. I can create my own happiness, regardless of what my outer circumstances may be. Even if I’m running around, making a mess and having fun like I have been, it doesn’t necessarily make me happy. I feel like a switch has been flipped in my brain, and now I remember who I am and how to be content. I really really needed that. Processing changes and emotions, back in line with myself. I haven’t felt this good in a long time and it’s like a dark fog has lifted. I want to keep this feeling with me. This next chapter is going to be a really good one.
I’m tired of being a writer that never writes anything…sure I’ve kept a meticulous journal and sporadically shared some stuff on here for the past two years, but I haven’t ever really created a piece of writing that I’m happy with. Getting started has been the hardest part for me, as always, but I know it isn’t as hard as I make it out to be in my mind. My major failings are time management and the inability to ever finish anything. If I have one goal that I want to accomplish, it’s this: write something I’m truly proud of and share it with the world in whatever format, and keep doing it. I have lots and lots of ideas, lots of dreams, lots of experience, but no follow through.
How do I get from point a to point b? I know I need to read more good writing, I need to learn how to express myself more authentically, and I need to not be scared of fucking up. I need to take care of myself and SHOW UP. Inspiration strikes me, but if I’m not willing to put in the work, then I won’t ever accomplish anything. I have a lot to say, so much that it’s overwhelming, I just don’t know how to begin to say it. Once the levee breaks I have a feeling it will be impossible to stop, it’s just a matter of getting started, designating time for it, and taking it seriously. I’ve been talking about it for far too long and I’m beginning to get frustrated with myself. I’m all about instant gratification and I have zero discipline, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I need to come up with a plan. I need to stop being so lazy. I’m good at talking the talking but when it comes to walking it…
Sometimes I remind myself that I almost skipped the party, that I almost went to a different college, that the whim of a minute could have changed everything and everyone. Our lives, so settled, so specific, are built on happenstance.